Cock.

Now then. I love big cock. I really really do. The idea has always aroused me and being able to experience it is something I never cease to be grateful for.

But. BUT. Not all women do. However much email spam, porn sites and the media will tell you that to be a RealMan™ you need at least 24 inches so you can fuck her so hard it hurts (pleasurable sex in an atmosphere of equality and care is obviously not as important as a trip to A&E, and what woman doesn’t find the idea of a permanently damaged cervix arousing?) and presumably strut around the place as a modern-day Priapus to proclaim your dominance over man (and woman) kind, I’ve never met any woman who is bothered. I like big cock, but only when it’s attached to a partner who realises that a lot of positions are out of bounds or have to be approached with care, and who doesn’t just pound away at you like a pneumatic drill. You can be a lot more spontaneous and experimentative with small and average sized cock, as you don’t need to concern yourself so much with the possibility of pain or discomfort.

What’s important about a lover isn’t his cock size, it’s how he communicates with you and whether he has the right attitude. I’ve talked to and read about many women who had good lovers, bad lovers, exciting lovers, boring lovers…and cock size was never ever mentioned. It just doesn’t matter. (Incidentally, with smaller penises g-spot stimulation is a breeze – it’s just the right length, and when receiving oral the whole cock can be taken into the mouth at once with no worry about gagging or jaw ache.) Straight men like boobs, and ultimately as long as they get to play with them they couldn’t care less about what size or shape they are. It’s the same with straight women. Straight women want cock. That’s it. And my advice to both genders is the same – if a partner is dissatisfied with your cock, your tits, your arse, your pussy…get rid. It’s not your problem, it’s theirs.

Good sex doesn’t come from cock size, boob size, body fat ratios, hair colour…good sex comes from the brain. It’s about communicating with your partner(s), being willing to change your style and try out new things, having an open mind and always wanting to raise your game. With this attitude, both partners will have satisfying, wonderful sexual encounters no matter what size or shape they or various parts of their anatomy might be.

Why masturbation is important or, how I learned to stop worrying and play with myself

Masturbation has always been important to me. (Well, when I say always I actually mean since I was around 14, I wasn’t a seuxally precocious child) It has always seemed common sense to me that if you want to have a good sexual experience with a partner you need to know your own body well enough to give them directions (and, if necessary, a map and torch). After all, even if your partner is the same gender as you they will not be able to know what you like by chance. And if you’re in it for the orgasms knowing your own body is essential.

As a woman masturbation is not talked about as you’re growing up. It seems to be all boys discuss, indeed male culture seems to encourage openness about masturbation and while this is usually through jokes, porn-swapping and mickey-taking it is still an issue that is out in the open. Girls however, do not discuss masturbation as they are growing up and even then do not really discuss it as adults. Ann Summers’ parties occur but usually under the influence of plenty of wine, and there is still an abashed secrecy surrounding self pleasure.

Masturbation is about so much more than ‘cracking one off’. It enables you to explore your body in a non-pressured environment (my idea of the ultimate night in alone), try things that perhaps you wouldn’t feel comfortable exploring with your partner just yet, fine tune your technique, or just road test sensations and areas of your body you may or may not share with your partner. Masturbation allows you to get to know yourself, and it’s a whole lot easier to feel a bit more positive about your body when it can blow your socks off with an orgasm. I see masturbation as key to reconciling your sexuality with your psyche, loving yourself physically with masturbation can help you love yourself psychologically. Don’t be afraid of touching yourself, it’s a form of pampering yourself without any guilt. It’s not evil, it’s not bad, it’s you. And moreover you are lovely and sensual, you feel great and you can give yourself a lot of pleasure. Treat yourself to the attention you deserve, love yourself! (pun fully intended)

As well as being something you can do with yourself to have fun, explore your sexuality and relax, masturbation can make your sexual experience with a partner so much better. If you know what you like, show and tell! Being familiar with how, why and when you orgasm will enable you to guide your partner to give you stronger/better/faster climaxes. Being comfortable with touching your body and how it feels, smells, sounds and behaves helps break down inhibitions during sex for you and your partner.

So, some tips:

• Try and find all your erogenous zones. Stroke and explore your whole body. If you have a vibrator/massager, feathers, ice cubes, massage oil, try them all out all over and see how it feels.

• If you’re male, don’t just focus on your penis. Play with your balls, the perineum, try using some lube and explore in and around your arse with fingers, a butt plug or a vibrator. Play with your nipples, the insides of your thighs…explore! Try clenching your pelvic floors with a hard on and watch what happens.

• If you’re female start off by playing with your clitoris. Actually, scrap that, start off by reading this. Then play with your clitoris. It’s mighty sensitive (it has more nerve endings than the penis and is the only area on the male or female body that exists entirely for pleasure) so try circling around it, pinching it or laying your hand flat over your labia and clitoris (middle finger over your clit) and moving in circles or from side to side. Explore the labia, the area around it, your perineum and your arse. When it comes to the vaginal passage, have a good explore. (If you’re a menstrual cup user you should know yourself pretty well already if not, well, more about them later) Get to know yourself. As your put your finger in explore the ring of muscle around the entrance. Squeeze your pelvic floors around your finger (you should be exercising these anyway). About two inches in on the top wall you should feel a patch of vagina that feels rough, or ribbed, or just different to the rest. This is your G spot. Get to know it well, it can cause strong orgasms for many women, especially when combined with clitoral stimulation. Finally work your way up to your cervix. If you have an IUD you should be used to this by having to check your strings. If not, then say hello! Your cervix may not be easy to reach lying down. Mine is easiest to find sitting on the toilet, or kneeling. It feels a bit like the end of someone’s nose – it’s firm and has a tiny entrance in the middle, like a tough doughnut. It changes angle and how high it sits in your vagina according to your menstrual cycle, so explore at different times of your cycle to get to know your cervix’s changing positions. If you explore before or on your period you may notice your vagina feels softer and puffier at this time. It is swelled with blood and hormones, so it’s a bit more cushioned than usual.

As for the actual act of masturbation itself, however tried and tested your technique may be it’s always worth trying something new. It may be as simple as playing with your g-spot as you rub your clitoris, or playing with your balls as you massage around your frenulum, exploring anal play with your fingers, a butt plug or an anal vibrator. This page from Toys In Babeland is great for beginners in anal exploration. In fact their How To page is an excellent resource full stop. As for toys, I can personally recommend the FunFactory LAYAspot and G Twist used together with some vegan lube. If you’re not comfortable with insertion yet then a clitoral vibrator is a nice introduction to sex toys, use it all over and maybe combine it with some fingering if you so wish. If you’re looking at anal finger play but are worried about mess or enemas then using silicon gloves and plenty of lube makes the whole experience (pun intended, of course) a little easier.

When shopping in the UK, LoveHoney is an excellent site with an ‘OrgasmArmy’ of real-life reviewers. In the US Babeland is your site of choice. When buying sex toys toxins and phthalates are worth bearing in mind, more info here and here on what to buy and what to avoid, and why. I stick to silicon and FunFactory make some of the best silicon playthings around (I’m currently lusting after the DeLight) Keep all sex toys clean and be careful about sharing them with playmates.

As with all sex there’ll be some things you like and some things you don’t, but the fun and education lie in trying. This is a subject close to my heart so I hope you’ll forgive me the rallying cry…go forth, and orgasm!

Doctor uses map, torch to locate G spot. If it exists. Which it might not.

As mentioned on the FWord blog, Italian doctor Emmanuele Jannini has ‘finally’ found the location of the female G spot. Dr Jannini used a sample of 20 women (9 of whom were able to experience vaginal orgasms through G spot stimulation, the remaining 11 could not) which is hardly a scientifically representative sample. Personally (and I am by no means an expert) I think that all women have a G spot; it just may not give them pleasure or indeed be sensitive to the touch. Indeed all this ’study’ has proved is that the 9 women who are capable of experiencing vaginal orgasm are physiologically different from the 11 who could not.

What this study and the reporting of it really illustrates is the misogyny that exists in the medical system. I found my G spot years ago, as have no doubt millions of other women and their partners. This, however, is not enough to persuade an old boy’s network medical establishment to accept the G spot as actually existing. I wouldn’t mind if they were cautious of saying that all women can orgasm through G spot stimulation, or that all women find it pleasurable, but the existence of the G spot has been questioned since the publication of The G Spot and Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality (more details on above link). Because medical science has been unable to look inside every woman and find a big flashing arrow saying ‘G spot, right here!’, medical science has remained skeptical about the G spot’s existence. Read any vagina forum (LJ’s vaginapagina is active and very helpful) or menstrual cup support groups (again, LJ has a thriving and lovely community) and you’ll see that every woman’s vagina is different. The cervix is angled differently, it reacts in different ways…just like the rest of our bodies, our vaginas are as individual as we are. Read the linked Wiki article carefully:

“G-spot proponents are criticized for placing too much credence upon anecdotal evidence from women.^“

Because medical science cannot place our vaginas into a ‘one size fits all’ box then it dismisses women’s experiences as ‘anecdotal’, ergo unscientific. Evidently unless we have white-coated scientists poking around in our vaginas we cannot be sure that any of our genitalia actually exists.