Button Moon and male privilege, a tongue-in-cheek critique

I never watched Button Moon as a child, but I have watched it as an adult. And, quite frankly, it is a tool of gender role enforcement and brainwashing so shocking that it is a wonder the children of the 80’s are not as repressed and psychologically damaged as the ‘Feminine Mystique‘ families of the 50’s. Wiki describes it as:

“Button Moon was a popular children’s television programme broadcast in the United Kingdom in the 1980s on the ITV Network. Thames Television produced each episode which lasted ten minutes and featured the adventures of Mr. Spoon who, in each episode, would travel to Button Moon in his homemade rocket-ship. All of the characters within the show were based on kitchen utensils, as well as many of the props.”

Each episode begins with a delightful scene of Mr Spoon, his wife Mrs Spoon (who of course takes her husband’s name, thereby reliquinshing her identity, property rights and individuality) and his daughter ‘Tiny Tea Spoon’ (thus named she is belittled, the very act of naming her after the frankly inferior-to-your-average-spoon teaspoon enforcing her subordinate place in the family as a daughter, setting her up for an inferior place in society as a woman.) We usually see Mrs Spoon involved in some charming aspect of childrearing such as teaching her daughter to read, reinforcing the caring, nurturing mother role that women are supposedly better at despite any genetic or biological evidence to corroborate this. Mr Spoon surveys his family with a warm sense of patriarchal pride as he walks out to his spaceship to explore the skies. He then proceeds to leave his family behind (the skies are not for women to explore after all) and, once safely ensconced in his phallic spaceship, he shoots into space, each ejaculation into the skies (which incidentally have clouds, gravity, rain and giant taps that talk – thereby proving that Button Moon is a ridiculous metanarrative of male dominance with no empirical basis behind it, just like patriarchy) a success, driving him into the black skies of exploration and adventure like all the much-lauded male heroes created by patriarchy in fiction as part of the female=passive, male=active paradigm.

Once he is in space Mr Spoon explores Button Moon and uses his telescope (another phallic shaped instrument) to survey more and more of the universe. Meanwhile Mrs Spoon and her daughter sit at home, awaiting father’s return where he will no doubt regale them with tales of his adventures in his phallic spaceship of male privilege.

Thank goodness such rife sexism and gender role enforcement is no longer on our screens. 

Gutless

So I’m reading Shapely Prose and other body positive blogs the other day and listening to Hole on Winamp. Just as I was digesting ‘The Fantasy Of Being Thin‘ and the FWord’s ‘French women don’t get fat‘ the song ‘Gutless’ came on, and the combination of what I had read and ponderings upon the adjective ‘gutless’ all segued together.

gut·less /ˈgʌtlɪs/ Pronunciation Key – Show Spelled Pronunciation[guht-lis]

–adjective Informal.

lacking courage, fortitude or determination

[Origin: 1600–10 for literal sense; gut + -less]

So if gutless, literally minus a gut, means you lack ‘courage, fortitude and determination’, what does the gut signify? Courage, strength, moxie, (and, for lack of a gender neutral term) “balls”. In the sense of the adjective ‘gutless’ possessing guts, and something to put them in – a belly, is positive, admirable, desired. But of course, and rather conveniently, this does not extend into how women are ’supposed’ to look. Size zero celebrities, diet books, celebrity fad diets*…all tell us that what we should strive for, the image of perfection, is a flat, toned stomach. (*Note that this Daily Mail link to Beyonce’s ‘maple syrup diet’ describes her pre-crash diet size as ‘heavier’, simultaneously telling us that while the diet is risky and dangerous ultimately it is worth this risk as we all want to be lighter, slimmer, trimmer…better.)

Perfection is gutlessness. Women should work to ‘lose that gut’ – diet, exercise, detox, have dangerous elective surgery…the perfect woman is gutless. Furthermore if a woman dares to dress in anything other than a black sack when she is not perfectly gutless, she is publicly decried as fat and awful.

Women are encouraged to starve themselves on fad diets, to deprive themselves of food, to be hungry all the time. On top of this they chase an ever-shrinking image of perfection, desperately trying to reduce themselves, to become the incredible shrinking woman. And when they achieve this goal? They are starving, unwell, frail and tired. They are gutless, literally and metaphorically.

And this is just how patriarchy, and the fashion/cosmetic/diet industry, wants them. If women hate themselves they spend more money, they believe the ridiculous claims of cosmetics companies, they buy diet books and dieting foods, they constantly chase a model of ‘perfection’ defined by the very industries that profit from their self-hatred. They become obsessed over food, not equal pay; a flat stomach not the glass ceiling; pores, not politics; losing weight not raising rape convictions…They become gutless, disinterested in politics and equal rights and the very model of a quiet, well-behaved female citizen that does not challenge the status quo and is too hungry, weak and obssessive about whether her bum looks big to be any sort of a threat to patriarchy. Gutless is good, if you think where we are now is enough.

But it’s not. Women are still served up shit every day and told that it’s ice cream. We are not equal, and we never will be if the majority of the female population cares more about being slim than being equal. Screw gutless. Eat. Eat food that nourishes and strengthens you, love your body for what it is and for what it enables you to do. Stop dieting. Love your belly. Get a gut. Get ‘courage, fortitude and determination’. Get equal.

Go to Amazon/your local library/a feminist friend’s well-stocked library and read ‘Fat Is A Feminist Issue‘. Then read ‘The Beauty Myth‘. Love yourself, love your guts whether they hang out or don’t and focus on the important stuff, not your size.

“You’re fighting like girls. Fight properly”

The ‘comparison to woman as insult’ paradigm continues unabated as two boys are forced to fight each other while older men watch, shout encouragement and film the incident. From the BBC:

“During one section of the footage, one of the boys looks into the camera and asks: “Kicking is allowed, isn’t it?”

One of the boys shouts, “he’s crying”, after punching the second child in the face.”

And, just to show that being a violent thug who enjoys forcing people smaller than you to fight as you enjoy the show also includes being a misogynist arsehole, one of the organisers is heard saying:

“You’re fighting like girls. Fight properly”

Fight properly, like a ‘real man’. A ‘real man’ that organises fights between children and sees it as entertainment. A ‘real man’ who views human life as only existing for their titillation (be it violent or otherwise). A ‘real man’ that posts this video on YouTube and the other ‘real men’ who watch it.

How exactly do you fight like a girl? With Barbies? Feathers?

If ‘fighting like a girl’ means not being associated with the scum of the earth, the violent misogynistic imbecilic oxygen-wasters, then I think it needs to be reclassified from an insult to a compliment.

“It simply mirrors real life in a tongue-in-cheek way.”

You might have spotted this in the news this morning. An online role-playing game ‘Miss Bimbo‘ (incidentally the site has been unaccessible all day, hopefully the volume of hits has brought the site to a halt) has raised concern with parents’ groups. In case you weren’t up with the latest online games popular with 9-16 year old girls, the sites front page explains the purpose of the game:

Become the hottest, coolest most famous bimbo ever !

Welcome to Miss Bimbo. Enter the exciting world of the first ever, virtual fashion game !
Become the most famous, beautiful, sought after bimbo across the globe!

• Find your own cool place to live.
• Find a fun job to pay for your needs and all the clothes a Bimbo could possibly want.
• Shop for the latest fashions and become the trendsetting bimbo in town !
• Become a socialite and skyrocket to the top of fame and popularity.
• Date that famous hottie you’ve had your eye on and show the Bimbo world the social starlet you are !
• Even resort to meds or plastic surgery. Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo !
• Tackle your 104 tasks as quick as possible to become the rising star bimbo !!

Are you ready to become the hottest of hot Bimbos !?!

Apart from the crimes against exclamation use, what could be so bad about that? Well let’s lift a quote from the Guardian website:

“The aim of the Miss Bimbo beauty contest game, which was launched in Britain last month, is to become the “hottest, coolest, most famous bimbo in the whole world”, and contestants who compete against each other are told to “stop at nothing”, even “meds or plastic surgery”, to ensure their dolls win.

Children are given a naked virtual character to look after. They compete against other players to earn “bimbo” dollars so they can dress her in sexy outfits and take her clubbing. They are given missions, including securing plastic surgery at the game’s clinic to give their dolls bigger breasts, and they have to keep her at her target weight with diet pills.

Although it is free to play, when the contestants run out of virtual cash they have to send text messages costing £1.50 each or use PayPal to top up their accounts.”

From CNN, apparently the site advises that:

“Bimbo dollars is ‘the cabbage,’ ‘bread,’ the ‘mula’ you’ll need to buy nice things and to get by in bimbo world. To earn some bimbo cash you will have to (gasp) work or find a boyfriend to be your sugar daddy and hook you up with a phat expense account”

So. 9-16 year old girls, the site’s largest demographic, are playing a game to hook up with ’sugar daddies’ to finance their lifestyle, dye their hair, indulge in eating -disorder-like behaviour (diet pills do not a happy relationship with food, and your body, make) and have invasive and dangerous breast augmentation surgery to ‘become the hottest of hot bimbos!!!(!)’

I could be enraged by this. OK, I am. But what saddens me most is how I am not surprised. Young girls grow up with an onslaught of images of women who are airbrushed, painted and dieted to unattainable forms of ‘beauty’ (beauty defined by a cosmetics, fashion and diet industry who profit from us all hating ourselves because, in our desperation, we buy their snake oil hoping it will be the magic elixir that makes us look how these industries are telling us to look) and watching ‘role models’ like Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie live off men’s money (whether it’s their father’s or partner’s money it’s immaterial, they are not earning the money themselves nor do they see a need to be independent financially), diet themselves into skeletons and live entirely vacuous lives. Where are the intelligent, independent female role models? And when they do dare to pop up, where is the press championing them rather than discussing their clothes/cleavage/gender?

What do we expect? We exist in a culture that is so noxious to growing minds (any minds really, but growing minds especially) that it’s a wonder any girls grow up vaguely mentally stable at all. The cult of celebrity, especially the cult of skinny, dim workshy female celebrities, only reinforces that being a ‘bimbo’ is the way to go is you want success. And by success we mean having the BMI of a starving African, enough cash to wear a different shade of UGG boot everyday and appearing on TV as a ‘reality tv star’ earning enough kudos to open the odd supermarket and eventually die young of a cocaine overdose.

Incidentally, the site’s owner said:

“It is not a bad influence for young children. They learn to take care of their bimbos. The missions and goals are morally sound and teach children about the real world.” He added: “The breast operations are just one part of the game and we are not encouraging young girls to have them, just reflecting real life.”

‘Morally sound’? Teaching young girls that the only reason they exist is to fit a ridiculous stereotype, avoid work, rely on men financially (essentially prostituting themselves), and the the route to success is through extreme dieting, dangerous surgery and being a ‘bimbo’?

Not morally sound, but it certainly prepares girls for the real world. 9-16 year olds will not see this game as a warning, a joke, a tongue-in-cheek look at society, they’ll see it as normal. It’s part of the many many messages sent to girls each day that dumb is good and skinny and dumb is even better.

And just because it reflects the ‘real world’, that doesn’t make it OK to perpetuate these stereotypes. How convenient that the creator is male, and sees no harm in this pink (of course! pink!) site reinforcing gender stereotypes and using a derogatory term ‘bimbo’ to sell his misogynist wares to unsuspecting 10 year olds.

Fucker.

Cock.

Now then. I love big cock. I really really do. The idea has always aroused me and being able to experience it is something I never cease to be grateful for.

But. BUT. Not all women do. However much email spam, porn sites and the media will tell you that to be a RealMan™ you need at least 24 inches so you can fuck her so hard it hurts (pleasurable sex in an atmosphere of equality and care is obviously not as important as a trip to A&E, and what woman doesn’t find the idea of a permanently damaged cervix arousing?) and presumably strut around the place as a modern-day Priapus to proclaim your dominance over man (and woman) kind, I’ve never met any woman who is bothered. I like big cock, but only when it’s attached to a partner who realises that a lot of positions are out of bounds or have to be approached with care, and who doesn’t just pound away at you like a pneumatic drill. You can be a lot more spontaneous and experimentative with small and average sized cock, as you don’t need to concern yourself so much with the possibility of pain or discomfort.

What’s important about a lover isn’t his cock size, it’s how he communicates with you and whether he has the right attitude. I’ve talked to and read about many women who had good lovers, bad lovers, exciting lovers, boring lovers…and cock size was never ever mentioned. It just doesn’t matter. (Incidentally, with smaller penises g-spot stimulation is a breeze – it’s just the right length, and when receiving oral the whole cock can be taken into the mouth at once with no worry about gagging or jaw ache.) Straight men like boobs, and ultimately as long as they get to play with them they couldn’t care less about what size or shape they are. It’s the same with straight women. Straight women want cock. That’s it. And my advice to both genders is the same – if a partner is dissatisfied with your cock, your tits, your arse, your pussy…get rid. It’s not your problem, it’s theirs.

Good sex doesn’t come from cock size, boob size, body fat ratios, hair colour…good sex comes from the brain. It’s about communicating with your partner(s), being willing to change your style and try out new things, having an open mind and always wanting to raise your game. With this attitude, both partners will have satisfying, wonderful sexual encounters no matter what size or shape they or various parts of their anatomy might be.

Sometimes I feel like…somebody’s watching me

The female=passive/male=active myth has been around for a long time, and you’d think by now we’d have discarded it, and in some ways we have. Except in terms of how some men interact with most women. Obviously not all men treat women this way, but every woman has at some point been treated this way by at the very least a sizeable minority or a depressing majority for most of her existence.

Now, the male gaze has been well documented, argued with and discussed. It’s not a one-size-fits-all patriarchal hat, many images and media ephemera exist for the gaze of women, not men. Although you could argue that women have internalised the male gaze and are now women gazing as men at women well…anyway. There is one place, as a woman, that you can feel the male gaze almost constantly. You may not be aware of it, indeed many women have conditioned themselves to not see being seen, much like a nervous public speaker ignores their audience, but once you step off the promontory and up the lights all of a sudden you’re aware of all these…eyes…

I had it happen today. I stepped out my front door and waited to cross the road to get to my car. The man driving the first car that came past from my left slowed to negotiate the double-parked section by my house and used the opportunity to stare at me. Not just a glance, he stared for a good few seconds and made eye contact. Now if I spot this sort of situation about to happen I prepare a one finger salute, or pull a funny face. But sometimes I am taken by surprise and I’m caught, like a rabbit in headlights, in the gaze of whatever man has decided he has a right to survey me like a slab of meat. Now, a bit of eye contact and some friendly flirting is fine – all part of human interaction. What I am flagging up here is the aggressive stare, where it seems the only reaction the gazer is trying to provoke from the gazee is intimidation. When offered a sarcastic stare back, or a one finger salute, or even a face-pull, the reaction is always anger. A ‘how dare you react negatively to my appraisal of your worth’ kind of anger. Which is why I always feel dissapointed if I don’t manage to fit one of these physical retorts, because I do enjoy irritating such people.

Anyway my point here is that sometimes, if I am not bumbling along in my oblivious bubble, it really freaks me out just how watched I am. All I need do is walk down the street, go into a shop, anything…and I can feel I’m being watched. And it’s really quite unnerving once you realise it. But why? Why am I stared at? Men aren’t stared at (indeed, if you read Norah Vincent’s ‘Self Made Man’ – men avoid anything other than a cursory glance, as anything else is deemed aggressive and can turn into something nasty) so why is it ok to stare at women? Why is it ok to make eye contact not in a ‘hey there’ flirty kinda way, but in a ‘I’m going to make you a sexual object and there’s nothing you can do to stop me’ kinda way?

Women are property. We can be stared at in such an aggressive way because men *own* us. Of course they can stare at us, that’s what we’re for. Our bodies are not our own, they are to be stared at, judged, fantasised about and used for male pleasure (see Figleaf’s discussions concerning women as the no-sex class, we are viewed as sexless and therefore stripped of the power in our sexuality) We are owned, disempowered and objectified by this gaze, all too many women see it as affirmation of their worth rather than the exertion of the imbalanced power relationship that leaves them valued only for their appearance.

So what can we do, faced with this gaze, this exertion of power from a minority of men every day? Well…a little. Firstly, show we aren’t intimidated by these appraisals. Fuck being judged on your appearance – make a funny face, give a one finger salute…whatever. A confident show of disregard for their aggresive stare will annoy them, and while it may not change their ways, it’ll sure make you feel better. Secondly, don’t view these stares as an affirmation of your worth. Your worth lies in your value as a person – physically, emotionally, sexually and psychologically, not in how many men stared at you. Fuck the beauty myth, dress how you want to and know that you as a person are worth a whole lot more than how perky your tits are/big your arse is/tight your top is. Be proud of your body, of course, but don’t see being eyed up like a slab of steak in a butchers as an affirmation of your worth, you’re worth way more than that.

Moans about hormones

How do you disempower a woman’s emotions? Easy! “Are you on your period or summink?”

In my experience this comment used to be thrown about by misogynist arses who used it as a retort for a woman getting angry, upset or just feeling any emotion remotely powerfully. After all, quietly comforming to the concept of ideal womanhood does not allow you to shout “fuck off!” at someone who is deliberately picking on you, or telling you what they’d like to do to your various orifices simply because you dared to walk past their building site/van/cafe table. It’s obvious why this comment is used, it relies upon the woman-as-inferior paradigm whereby being called a girl/woman/sissy is an insult because my goodness, WHO would want to be called a woman?!? As well as making obvious your inferiority by calling you just what you are (as if nobody knew you were female! Well, that certainly puts you in your place!) it disregards a woman’s right to have genuine, powerful emotional reactions to anything. Men can be angry, irritable and fed up any day of the month (ok, they can’t cry or show ‘woman-like’ ‘weakness’ but this just goes to show how restrictive and oppressive these gender roles are to all genders) but if a woman shows anything other than delight at fluffy kittens, a peacable smile and eyelash-fluttering gratitude at leery chat up lines then well, she MUST be on her period.

And while, obviously, this attitude from men is to be dealt with via a reasoned (women can reason? Gasp!) discussion of how ridiculous this concept is (or, if necessary, some cherry picked obscenities but please, avoid cunt – it’s not an insult it’s a body part), this attitude from women must be nipped in the bud. Now, the women who propagate this myth tend to use a different method to the aforementioned men. These women will often be heard saying “oh just say you were on your period, then nobody will mind you were a bitch” or “having a period gives us the right to be unreasonable”. Uh huh. And having a fist gives me the right to beat people.

Using your period as an excuse for being unpleasant? Evidently you have no control over anything you do, and on top of that you’re adding to the myth that women only break out of the quiet, pleasant wallflower mould when they are menstruating. Either way you are actually relegating yourself to the moral level of slime (no offence to any fine morally upstanding slime out there) by using a myth that disempowers women and adds to the woman=inferior paradigm to behave however you wish.

Most women have periods.  They bleed for a few days, they often feel more emotional than usual, and that’s about it. It’s not carte blanche to torture people around you, and it’s not a biological occurence that makes you inferior.

Guys, don’t use it as an insult, it makes you an idiot.

Gals, don’t use it as an excuse, grow the hell up.

If you can’t say something nice…

As a former English teacher and English Graduate I despise the word nice. It’s a nothing word, it’s misused to the point where all it conveys is a meaningless splurge of ‘meh’. Indeed, nice hardly carries any positive associations anymore, for instance saying “That’s nice” or “How nice” now vibrates with an undercurrent of smiling through gritted teeth, or veiled insult.

However, having said all that, I’ll be using the dreadful nothing word ‘nice’ throughout this post. I’ve just finished reading ‘The Beauty Myth‘ (and I wholeheartedly recommend it, it’s excellent) and the last chapter discussing where we can go from here got me thinking. Wolf mentions treating other women as women, not competitors. Instead of eyeing a woman from head to toe as our competitor for beauty perfection (which is, of course, an impossible ideal made to destroy our self confidence to ensure we remain politically silent and consume, consume, consume) why not look her in the eyes and smile? Why not open the door for her? Why not treat everyone as a human being and, dare I say it, be nice?

Wolf raises this idea to turn the tide of every-woman-for-herself Western society and reclaim for Third Wave feminism what the Second Wavers had to their advantage; sisterhood. We’re all so atomised, constantly competing with each other and bitching and griping, hating our girl friend for losing 6 lbs, it disempowers us – we’re so busy competing we don’t see that united we are so much more than the sum of our parts.

Now, while I’d love this to become a rallying call for all women to unite and crush patriarchy, I’m a pragmatist not a dreamer. However I think it’s entirely reasonable to ask every person who reads this blog to spread the word of being nice. Smile at people, help them out, open the door for someone no matter what gender/age/species they are, offer to help if you see somebody struggling with a heavy item… This is especially focussed at women. If you see a woman obviously drunk in the street and on her own, call her a licensed cab and get it to take her home; give female hitchhikers a lift; honestly compliment women on how beautiful and wonderful they really are to you; don’t fall for the beauty myth that the media is selling.

Be nice.

Why masturbation is important or, how I learned to stop worrying and play with myself

Masturbation has always been important to me. (Well, when I say always I actually mean since I was around 14, I wasn’t a seuxally precocious child) It has always seemed common sense to me that if you want to have a good sexual experience with a partner you need to know your own body well enough to give them directions (and, if necessary, a map and torch). After all, even if your partner is the same gender as you they will not be able to know what you like by chance. And if you’re in it for the orgasms knowing your own body is essential.

As a woman masturbation is not talked about as you’re growing up. It seems to be all boys discuss, indeed male culture seems to encourage openness about masturbation and while this is usually through jokes, porn-swapping and mickey-taking it is still an issue that is out in the open. Girls however, do not discuss masturbation as they are growing up and even then do not really discuss it as adults. Ann Summers’ parties occur but usually under the influence of plenty of wine, and there is still an abashed secrecy surrounding self pleasure.

Masturbation is about so much more than ‘cracking one off’. It enables you to explore your body in a non-pressured environment (my idea of the ultimate night in alone), try things that perhaps you wouldn’t feel comfortable exploring with your partner just yet, fine tune your technique, or just road test sensations and areas of your body you may or may not share with your partner. Masturbation allows you to get to know yourself, and it’s a whole lot easier to feel a bit more positive about your body when it can blow your socks off with an orgasm. I see masturbation as key to reconciling your sexuality with your psyche, loving yourself physically with masturbation can help you love yourself psychologically. Don’t be afraid of touching yourself, it’s a form of pampering yourself without any guilt. It’s not evil, it’s not bad, it’s you. And moreover you are lovely and sensual, you feel great and you can give yourself a lot of pleasure. Treat yourself to the attention you deserve, love yourself! (pun fully intended)

As well as being something you can do with yourself to have fun, explore your sexuality and relax, masturbation can make your sexual experience with a partner so much better. If you know what you like, show and tell! Being familiar with how, why and when you orgasm will enable you to guide your partner to give you stronger/better/faster climaxes. Being comfortable with touching your body and how it feels, smells, sounds and behaves helps break down inhibitions during sex for you and your partner.

So, some tips:

• Try and find all your erogenous zones. Stroke and explore your whole body. If you have a vibrator/massager, feathers, ice cubes, massage oil, try them all out all over and see how it feels.

• If you’re male, don’t just focus on your penis. Play with your balls, the perineum, try using some lube and explore in and around your arse with fingers, a butt plug or a vibrator. Play with your nipples, the insides of your thighs…explore! Try clenching your pelvic floors with a hard on and watch what happens.

• If you’re female start off by playing with your clitoris. Actually, scrap that, start off by reading this. Then play with your clitoris. It’s mighty sensitive (it has more nerve endings than the penis and is the only area on the male or female body that exists entirely for pleasure) so try circling around it, pinching it or laying your hand flat over your labia and clitoris (middle finger over your clit) and moving in circles or from side to side. Explore the labia, the area around it, your perineum and your arse. When it comes to the vaginal passage, have a good explore. (If you’re a menstrual cup user you should know yourself pretty well already if not, well, more about them later) Get to know yourself. As your put your finger in explore the ring of muscle around the entrance. Squeeze your pelvic floors around your finger (you should be exercising these anyway). About two inches in on the top wall you should feel a patch of vagina that feels rough, or ribbed, or just different to the rest. This is your G spot. Get to know it well, it can cause strong orgasms for many women, especially when combined with clitoral stimulation. Finally work your way up to your cervix. If you have an IUD you should be used to this by having to check your strings. If not, then say hello! Your cervix may not be easy to reach lying down. Mine is easiest to find sitting on the toilet, or kneeling. It feels a bit like the end of someone’s nose – it’s firm and has a tiny entrance in the middle, like a tough doughnut. It changes angle and how high it sits in your vagina according to your menstrual cycle, so explore at different times of your cycle to get to know your cervix’s changing positions. If you explore before or on your period you may notice your vagina feels softer and puffier at this time. It is swelled with blood and hormones, so it’s a bit more cushioned than usual.

As for the actual act of masturbation itself, however tried and tested your technique may be it’s always worth trying something new. It may be as simple as playing with your g-spot as you rub your clitoris, or playing with your balls as you massage around your frenulum, exploring anal play with your fingers, a butt plug or an anal vibrator. This page from Toys In Babeland is great for beginners in anal exploration. In fact their How To page is an excellent resource full stop. As for toys, I can personally recommend the FunFactory LAYAspot and G Twist used together with some vegan lube. If you’re not comfortable with insertion yet then a clitoral vibrator is a nice introduction to sex toys, use it all over and maybe combine it with some fingering if you so wish. If you’re looking at anal finger play but are worried about mess or enemas then using silicon gloves and plenty of lube makes the whole experience (pun intended, of course) a little easier.

When shopping in the UK, LoveHoney is an excellent site with an ‘OrgasmArmy’ of real-life reviewers. In the US Babeland is your site of choice. When buying sex toys toxins and phthalates are worth bearing in mind, more info here and here on what to buy and what to avoid, and why. I stick to silicon and FunFactory make some of the best silicon playthings around (I’m currently lusting after the DeLight) Keep all sex toys clean and be careful about sharing them with playmates.

As with all sex there’ll be some things you like and some things you don’t, but the fun and education lie in trying. This is a subject close to my heart so I hope you’ll forgive me the rallying cry…go forth, and orgasm!